time

its not a good day. still missing cory. mom got the call that the ashes are ready. i am going to go see her this afternoon. i think tomorrow will be our family dedication. and what not. only time will help. i did watch some old footage the other night. watching cory run around and just be her. was actually comforting. i need to find some other videos from her first couple of years. the ones i watched were from about 7 years ago.

on a happier note. it is time. the event of the year. well there might be other events. but the most anticipated movie is premiering today. we are dressing up. drinking cosmos. and attending the 8:45 showing of Sex and the City: the movie. i have been told i can not critique the movie until every one who reads my beloved blog has had a chance to watch the movie as well. this will be tough. but i of course respect those wishes. and would never want to be the one to ruin the movie. i have cleared myself of the media. and am trying to walk into the theater with an open mind. and heart. and that i will fall in love all over again. (ha. sounds like a movie trailer).

back to the future

through the bawling sessions this past weekend. i was able to visit with many relatives. and also engage in small town living. it still amazes me. every time i go back to visit my granny. nothing has really changed. it is still the slow pace. simple life. of a small mid-western town. everyone knows everyone else. and we spend the majority of the time. reminiscing and figuring out what happened to everyone they have met along the way. i recognize a few names here and there.

the majority of my relatives i see in spurts. and after the normal questions of. how are you. whats new. then the million dollar question comes. it never fails. so where is your boyfriend. and then when i mention i am not in a serious relationship. its like. oh well. whats left to talk about. i usually politely answer. with a no not right now. or something silly. but after awhile. i get sick of feeling like i am the weirdo. who is not married. who is not impregnated. or a mother. and i want to scream. no i am not married. and some how. it must be a miracle. but i am able to get out of bed every morning. put my clothes on the same way as you. and live a normal. happy life. maybe its the fangs or the horns that come out after night. scares away the men. or i am sure they all wonder if i am. gasp. a lesbian. i also then usually get a lecture or am told not to follow in all the foot steps of my cousins. the mistakes they have made in their love life (were they really mistakes...hmmm...who am i to judge). because apparently i am the responsible one. or one of the last ones left to coach. luckily my mother does not play into this. and stands up for me.

i was also able to visit graves of many of my relatives who have since passed. again. being the responsible one. i think i fall into the category of being the one to keep the tradition going. and visit all the graves on memorial day. when the older generation joins them. and pay respect for all the family members. it is nice to know all this history. and to still have the tradition. as sometimes i feel being so far away. you can get removed from the whole time line and history behind your existence.

sweet. gentle. giant

cory lynn love

this weekend has been extremely hard. i lost a family member. a best friend. our one and only family puppy dog.

my mom and i had just left a nice coffee/tea party with some of her classmates. her cell phone rang and it was brother. i thought it was odd. but not much. until she pulled the car over to the side of the road. and we stopped. he was doing most of the talking. a knot started to grow in my stomach. i remember she said something about 'she'. when she hung up. i asked what happened. through her tears she said cory had a stroke. she went to the vet. and is back home.

i went a bit hysterical. this was the last place i wanted to be. i couldnt stop saying how much i wanted to be with her. to hold her. like i held her the day we brought her home. and she shook the whole way from the breeder in iowa. it was up and down the rest of the weekend. mainly waterworks from me. i just couldnt stop thinking about her.

on saturday evening when i called. brother answered. i couldnt get a word out without choking up. he reassured me everything was going to be fine. she was getting better. his gentle tone. the familiarity in his voice. as he has said this to me many times before. i believed him. or i wanted to believe him. she was showing signs of recovery. we would see her on monday.

when i called back on sunday. after her second shot of steriods. my father answered. when i heard the tears in his voice. i knew it was not good. she hadnt moved. couldnt move. she didnt sleep. she was in pain. it was time.

he drove her to the vet sunday afternoon. in the truck. with as he says. her favorite song playing. puppy love. he had to leave her on the table. after he gave her a big hug. and told her that we loved her. we have her ashes coming to the house. where we will be able to distribute among her yard and favorite park.

it came so sudden. just wanted to be able to hug my bear one last time. to smell her. (as crazy as it sounds. i loved the way she smelled). to feel her fur. her soft ears with my face. to think of a new nickname for her. to lay her head on my lap and massage her ears. or rub her belly.

cory lynn love. came to us as unexpectedly as she left. she was just one month shy of her 13th birthday. as much as you think you can prepare. it never does make it easier.

cory. baby cakes. simba. curry. bear. and the many more names we had for her. we love you. and will blow you kisses in the wind. every chance i get.

Walentine, nebr.

as mentioned previously this week. i am off to granny's house this weekend. we leave tomorrow morning for the 7.5 hr car ride. as marked out below. although actual blue line is not accurate by highways or anything.

this means i will be traveling into a time warp. going back 10 years. not really personally. but it is a very small town. no cell phone reception. you can still buy Petite Nate bath splash at alco. the highlight of the week is driving your car up to the fence of the baseball field to watch the legion team play ball. and of course going to the local drive in. and getting a cone of the best sherbet or soft serve ever. to be proceeded by cruising up and down main street. maybe hitting up the sweet heart gardens if you are of age.

so farewell for a couple of days. i will take lots of pics. and be ready to post when i get back to normal civilization next week. have a safe and happy holiday weekend. toodle loo.

battle zone

i was fired up yesterday. there was one person that gets under my skin. makes me want to leap out of my chair. and attack. claws out. fangs showing. i would claw this person. get all my frustration out. and then probably feel bad. for a second. no. no. i am not an evil person. not violent. unless. the buttons are pushed. hence why i spent the majority of my childhood attacking brother. locking him out of the house. writing evil notes. putting things in the bottom of his bed. it was war all the time.

excitement

it is in the air. i have some big things coming up in the next couple of weeks. things that keep me from focusing. sitting still for too long. make me jump up and down. stand on my chair. and scream. do cartwheels. stand on my head and spit nickels. (never understood that one). is it possible?

• going to granny's house this weekend (not looking forward to the long drive). but it will be some good qt time with pat. and granny. and bruno. i suppose. not to mention all the cousins. and pat's new vehicle has the ipod hook-up so we can listen to tunes. even when the radio goes out.
  
• sex and the city. movie. next week. aaahh. i can hardly wait. it better be good. otherwise. it might be a long time before i get this feeling of excitement.
  
• birthday celebration. same night as satc movie. cheers!
  
• actual birthday. which means dinner. drinks. ice cream cake. and presents.
• more birthday celebration for mother and cory lynn love.
• stacy comes back to ks for a visit

so over the weekend i sat out on a clients deck. it was after a day of volleyball. (all i wanted to do was spike. and slam the ball. in yo' face. my attempt was sad. but the ref laughed = success). anywho. didnt put on the ol' spf. stupid. this was one of the first times my chest had a full on sun exposure. i then looked like lobster woman. opposed to lobster girl from my childhood. so then on monday morning. pre coffee. trying to get my coffee. everyone who encountered me. decided it was a good time to point out. the obvious. oh. looks like you got some sun. what did you do. i kid you not. i mean it was just a little ridiculous the amount of people. so hadnt had my coffee yet. i dont like talking to people in the a.m. so i smugged them. made a couple of short comments back. and then proceeded to mock them. its sunny out. people get sun burnt. it happens. and i will never say this to someone. make the obvious comments of sun exposure. because as everyone knows. me = perfect. and i am done venting.